Loss (Careful kids. This one is personal).

I have been so cranky and irritable over the last couple of weeks and really soul searching to try and figure out why. I was so excited about my kids going back to school and giving me a little breathing room. Not that they crowd me necessarily, just that I find some things about me haven't changed since I was 12, and me needing solitary time is a big necessity for me.

Jude and I used to have one of those semi-corny posters. Something about different people that come through your life, some to stay, some to go, some to drift in and out. Okay, I don't exactly remember the words (or perhaps even the sentiment), but lately I just feel like everyone is a drifter now. Just a brief visit and they are off, sometimes angry, sometimes just chasing a different dream, and sometimes just vanishing. I put a lot of stock in my friends. I expect them to be faithful to me, and that when and if the time comes, they are there when I need a good cry (my daughter's illness was the toughest). But most of the time, returning a phone call or a text, or coming over for a glass of wine, or asking me out for a bit of fun is all I need. I don't want or need a companion all the time, and I would never ask that.

I have lost good friends over 'divorce'. Some over my own-years ago, and some over their's. I think people question my faithfulness or my motivation. But the truth is, all I want to do is have a good time, and laugh, and maybe have an adventure or two. I don't want your relationship politics, but I do want you to know that I really mean it when I say that I love and care about you, that I would do anything for you. I'm truly sorry if I hurt you and I guarantee that I didn't mean to.

Please cut me slack. My life isn't perfect, I am far from perfect. I am a mess, and just trying to clean up enough to hit the bar and have a giggle.