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Sorry for the delay in blogging..I know you all are hanging off the edge of your seat just dying for an update on an unemployed, weird haired, almost (gasp) middle aged favorite chick...well here goes...



I was born in England and moved to the US with my family when I was 6 years old. Apparently, my dad was fascinated with America and felt there would be more opportunity here for social workers (ha!). The house we lived in in England was a 14th century house in the country surrounded by cows. My mom founded a playgroup there, they had a bed and breakfast, a huge vegetable garden, a weeping willow tree, lovely friends and neighbors, and life was...well...idyllic. My dad was offered a job in Philadelphia, so after visiting, he rented an apartment and told my mom reassuringly that Roxborough (specifically Ridge Ave) was EXACTLY like our main street in Hereford, and she would fit right in. Umm..not sure who's reading this but let me assure you unequivocally that Hereford and Roxborough are just about as opposite as you can possibly get.








Anyway....








This year I went back with my dad for a short one week stay. He inherited a house in Sussex looking onto The Downs and wanted me to go with him to reconnect and do a lot of bike riding.





Our favorite pub is the Devil's Dyke. When we first arrived we went here for dinner and this is what I watched and now determined to do as soon as I can:

We did a lot of riding along the coast and were lucky enough to catch the tail end of an awesome storm that came and hung out for a day or so. I was struck by the difference between Americans and the English with this. Where as in the US we are told to batten the hatches, not go out, store up food and stay glued to the television, in England there is definitely more connection with nature, more awe and less fear. There were people lined up along the coast, sitting inches from the waves and snuggling, children jumping around close to huge waves, and even a 60 year old man getting lashed by the waves hitting the 300 year old pier (dad, care to share??). I really think we are taught here to fear nature and to tame it, whereas in an older culture, they walk in closer balance. Does that make sense?

I miss England. I can't explain it. I believe my body knows that the land I walk on there all of my ancestor's have too. There is a feeling of coming home like I have never known before, and my soul misses the air, the soil, the trees, and the people, in a way I can't fully explain. I do know this:my family made a terrible mistake leaving England, and I want to go back. I want my children to know my homeland, to have fresh rosy cheeks, to walk the ancient footpaths, and to eat the god aweful food I was raised on. We wouldn't be rich, no tv's in every room or multiple cars in the driveway, but we wouldn't have to drive miles to malls either, or be scared of our children playing on the sidewalks, or being as worried about being shot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. No, the government isn't perfect there, but for chrissakes, there is national healthcare! Our family pays well over $1200 a month for shitty healthcare and it's ridiculous. At least they are taming the congestion in London, and importing cars that get over 83.5 miles to the gallon. That's right, regular cars in England get 4-5 times the gas mileage we do. Explain that to me, please? My dad's car is 6 years old and totally outdated and gets 45 mpg city.

I know I was raised here, but I have always felt different from my American friends, and when I go back there I don't feel I belong either. I think that's probably the norm for any immigrant, but I feel it no differently, even if I have been here for so long.

AAnyway...some pictures below...

A car I should own.

A lane I should live on.

My dad and I on the Thames.

Biking country roads in East Sussex. I think I may have had a Guinness or three at this point. Quiet! It's good for you!

And people wonder why I was a bit off upon my return. I love all of you but I want to go home.

Cat

Loss (Careful kids. This one is personal).

I have been so cranky and irritable over the last couple of weeks and really soul searching to try and figure out why. I was so excited about my kids going back to school and giving me a little breathing room. Not that they crowd me necessarily, just that I find some things about me haven't changed since I was 12, and me needing solitary time is a big necessity for me.

Jude and I used to have one of those semi-corny posters. Something about different people that come through your life, some to stay, some to go, some to drift in and out. Okay, I don't exactly remember the words (or perhaps even the sentiment), but lately I just feel like everyone is a drifter now. Just a brief visit and they are off, sometimes angry, sometimes just chasing a different dream, and sometimes just vanishing. I put a lot of stock in my friends. I expect them to be faithful to me, and that when and if the time comes, they are there when I need a good cry (my daughter's illness was the toughest). But most of the time, returning a phone call or a text, or coming over for a glass of wine, or asking me out for a bit of fun is all I need. I don't want or need a companion all the time, and I would never ask that.

I have lost good friends over 'divorce'. Some over my own-years ago, and some over their's. I think people question my faithfulness or my motivation. But the truth is, all I want to do is have a good time, and laugh, and maybe have an adventure or two. I don't want your relationship politics, but I do want you to know that I really mean it when I say that I love and care about you, that I would do anything for you. I'm truly sorry if I hurt you and I guarantee that I didn't mean to.

Please cut me slack. My life isn't perfect, I am far from perfect. I am a mess, and just trying to clean up enough to hit the bar and have a giggle.

Things I Have Learned Over The Past Three Months

Things I have learned over the past three months
1. That I have the ability to work really, really hard.
2. That there was no point in doing so because it only benefited the other person in the business.
3. That more than anything else, I want to be outside walking, hiking, running, swimming, camping, canoeing, kayaking, climbing trees, gardening, biking.
4. That I can't do the above for the rest of the summer and I am really depressed because of it.
5. That the most surprising people pull through for you when you need it most.
6. That girl shoes are the stupidest thing ever invented. There is a reason I've always worn combat boots. I will not stray from things I know.
7. That Jude is the most patient human being on the planet. He has been amazing as my nurse, filling in as mom, and listening to me bitch and moan without getting too aggravated. He sucks at driving a wheelchair though.
8. Wheelchairs should not be used on bumpy, grassy hills at top speed.
9. That not all tv really does suck. Reality tv has sucked me in completely. I love Intervention. Watching people more fucked up than me makes me feel awwlright.
10. I miss England. I can't wait to go back.
11. I want to go to school and become an art teacher for little kids. Which is weird because I've always hated school and little kids.
12. I really miss Gail and I'm really proud of her.
13. My kids are pretty fucking sweet.
14. Codeine is a whole lotta fun but I think I was getting a bit addicted (I was rationing out my pills and trying to get my dad to bring some back from England).
15. I hate R and want her to fail miserably. And I know how wrong that is.
16. I would like to be a pirate. I think I would have been an excellent one. I missed my calling. I am considering becoming a pirate in the canoe. I could take over other, smaller canoes and kayaks. I would tip out the owners while yelling "ARRRRRRR". The kids would leap to our new vessel and commandeer it to shore. It would take them a long time because they are awful canoers. It would be fun anyway.
17. I have to stay busy or my mind goes wonky.
18. I love my mom and dad-we've had some tremendous issues but at the base of it, I know you love me.
19. Snuggling at 6 am when it's raining out is lovely. I feel really sorry for people that don't have someone they can do that with. Human touch is so important.
20. We have a lot of steps in our house.

Patience (on Crutches)

Most of my friends know, to some extent, my ankle situation and my frustration dealing with it. But, a brief recap. I broke my ankle wearing stupid girl shoes (yeah, my legs looked HOT but I walked like an Egyptian, a retarded Egyptian, that is). Breaking my ankle hurt like a mutherfuck, but beyond the pain was the realization I was stuck on crutches, away from trees and grass and my canoe for 2 months. And that's where I broke emotionally. I couldn't dance, my friends were doing their own thing that I couldn't be a part of, and I just generally fell off the wheel. My ankle swelled, my crutches hurt, I am totally ungainly in my stupid boot that weighs 10 pounds (and is covered in light furry dog hair-can you say crazy dog person boot??).
So I am down and out of any fun summertime social fun. My hikes, dancing, camping, weeding, gardening, skinning dipping late nights..well, they are over for the year. The season I look most forward to ended well before I was ready.

One day, out for a crutch walk with friends, I almost lost it. My sides were rubbed raw, my foot was swollen like a balloon, I couldn't keep up, and I was straight up miserable. I wanted to smile and laugh like I didn't give a shit, but inside, I just wanted my bed and so much sleep I could forget about my life for a while.

And then, I remembered my aunt Olive (Aunty Olive to me-named for Oh Live after her older brother died suddenly at 2 years old). She was diagnosed with a close relative to MS (a weird german name) and her legs simply stopped working for her. Her ankles bent inward, and everyone told her she would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. She was probably, I am guessing, in her early 40's. With 4 children and a husband that died about 10 years before her.

She refused to be confined to a wheelchair. My aunt walked, cooked, and cleaned, on crutches. She always smiled even though it pained her to walk so slowly behind everyone and had such a hard time in the kitchen. I cannot imagine the patience she had to live on crutches, and the strength she had not to succumb to letting someone push her around. I never even really thought about it before, but I have such a strong respect for her now, and I only wish I could have told her so. She died from a horrible disease, stomach cancer, slow, painful and stuck in bed. And I never said goodbye.

So this blog is for you, Aunty Olive. Thank you for reminding me not to bitch and complain and to succumb to depression. My deal is temporary. And although I hate to utter "God", I thank whatever it is that I get to walk, run, camp, hike, swim, at some point, soon. I just have to keep on trucking...wish me luck.